Thursday, May 28, 2015

With my bear Bestie

I am going to present in the AGM in  an hour's time and just did a quick run through but I still feel like I need to process my thoughts first.

Spent a long time on the poolside chair at Y Rooftop today- thinking, praying, sensing within myself.

I think it is also the many things that happened all at once that pushed me to just stop and think. I need space. It can be self-centred at first, this need, but in the end something comes through from God.

So today found out that:
- Agnes' cousin who had slipped into coma and the family needed to make a decision on whether to take her off life support.

- Belvia's friend whose mum had died after a brain tumour operation

- My intentions to serve, to journey with the committee I am working with has been misunderstood (I had vibes about it but I have been putting off confronting these feelings)

- The Pres is quite a nice person whom I can open up to (but I didn't really until the latter half of the lunch)

- I still have that feeling that God is going to put us together; which is 1/3 unsettling because I cannot see & this is a dangerous thing to hold on to and 2/3 gives me peace

- The song 'I Lived' sung by Glee cast is uber nice

Disparate thoughts I know- all rolling, converging in my mind as I sat on that poolside chair. At the back of my mind I was musing that the ang moh swimming must think I'm on high tension.

Anyway, what I felt I heard from God:

1. I should stop trying to hide- my capability, skills, works- to stop taking a keep-a-low-profile-approach to life  but seek to be Christ.
- Rather than downplaying my success, I should downplay the importance of success and elevate the essentiality of being Christ.

2. For most part, I guess when there was a possibility of being hurt I will give lesser than 100% to avoid getting hurt. But now that I am pushing at 100, I am vulnerable. To be that sincere, to be that genuine, to be that open, to give what I have- that is scary.

3. But felt like God is empowering me for greater things, which needs that 100 that I am scared to give. So I asked for courage and empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

Pardon if I sound incoherent- just typing as I go along without really processing what has already been processed.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Sebuah lagu yang menunjukkan bagaimana aku rasa

Aku tahu aku blog banyak kali baru-baru ini. Tetapi aku (1) perlu praktis bahasa Melayu (2) berasa sangat tertekan- terlalu banyak perkara di atas minda aku (3) lagu ini berkata apa yang aku rasa tentang dia- jadi aku hendak menulis. Harap ini akan membuat aku berasa lebih baik.

Tuhan, aku tahu berliau tahu segala sesuatu, dan semua perkara akan membaikan aku.

Untuk dia: Biar aku mencintaimu biar tiada siapa yang tahu. Biar aku mencintaimu dalam diam ataupun bisu. Sehingga tidak menyakitkan apabila bercakap tentang kamu.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

1 Corinthians 8:1b

The theme of these past 4 days in Shang Hai. No coincidences with God; 1 Corinthians 8 was my QT reading as I held on to my luggage on the near-empty morning train.

"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up."

Some thoughts before I knock out:
1. Was struggling with whether I should make this blog private or at least remove its link from my FB (which I had put in vain intentions in the first place). 

2. But the purpose of this blog now is really to edify people- that my walk with God can encourage and spur other Christians on towards love and good deeds, and be a testimony to those who have yet to know Christ.

3. But but but, other than my dear friends Clemmy, Jas and Bennie if you know me personally and are reading this now please please don't discuss any of the blog's content with me. Thanks. (This is meant to be an absolute, non-negotiable request: please give my autonomous face)

4. Other than that, I am fine with being out in the open. Not boasting but really, I am so capable in many things, doing so many things. All these failures/sins I must remember:
"I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses."  2 Corinthians 12: 5

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Haha it's okay lah

A common Singapore phrase

  • Used superficially to hide hurts and deflect further questions
  • Used self-righteously to say that though one is hurt/wronged, one is benevolent while wishing hard that the other party is seen as an asshole 
  • Used impatiently to prevent others from doing the work one knows he/she can do in a fraction of the time, not thinking about building others up
  • Used as one ought to, to say simply: God is in control, and therefore all is well 

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

study break

People showing competence in self-regulation have, among other things adaptability. I think I'm quite good at reading emotional currents but not influence.

The kind of very applicable stuff that I've been studying for 3 days straight. It's so utterly common sense that one gets dreary from studying. 

So I decided that I shall post trivial things like the recipes I have adapted- learnt that to relieve stress, do something different to treat yourself. 

(N.B. By no means am I downplaying the importance of studying all these; negotiation and conflict resolution sounds like stuff we pick up but are actually skills that need to be honed. Really love how social work modules spur self reflection and that what is taught is so congruent to how I think the world should work.)

Vegan Banana Chocolate cupcakes
(Adapted from Joy of Baking and Eggless Cooking)

Moist and richly chocolatey as I like
Makes 12 cupcakes

1 cup sugar
1 cup AP flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
3/4 t baking powder
3/4 t baking soda
1/4 t salt
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup mashed ripe bananas (I used about 5 small ones)
1/2 warm water
1/4 cup almond milk
1 t apple cider vinegar/distilled vinegar

Chocolate Fudge frosting
2.5 oz unsweetened chocolate, melted
1/2 margarine, RTP
1 cup icing sugar
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1 t vanilla

1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees C. Line cupcake pan.
2. Whisk together dry ingredients. Mix together wet ingredients in another bowl, including the banana.
3. Add the flour mixture into the banana mixture, stirring batter till everything is mixed.
4. Fill cups 3/4 full, bake for about 20 minutes till skewer inserted comes out clean.
5. Remove from pan and set to cool on wire rack.

Now for the frosting:
1. Beat margarine till light and fluffy.
2. Beat in sugar till light and fluffy.
3. Add icing sugar, cocoa power and vanilla, beat till light and well incorporated.
4. Add chocolate and beat till frosting is smooth and glossy.

Fun fact about me: I hate eating bananas but am partial to banana bread. And these cupcakes.

Tomato-Cheese Bread Souffle
(Adapted from Real Simple)

Made these last week when I brought home 3 loaves of bread. Particularly pleased at my improvisation to transform the onion-cheese souffle into something more interesting.

Serves 6-8

2 T margarine, plus more for the dish
12 slices (about 10 oz) stale soft white bread, crust removed and torn into 1/2-inch pieces
1 cup hot milk
1/4 cup tomato sauce, 3/4 cup hot water- mix together
1 medium onion, thinly sliced
4 eggs, separated (N.B. I used 1 egg less than what the original recipe called for cos that was all the fridge had; think the souffle would have risen more beautifully if there were 4 eggs)
5 wedges of spreadable cheese (3.75 oz), can add more or substitute with grated cheese 
1 t sea salt
1/2 t ground black pepper
1 large pinch ground nutmeg

1. Preheat oven to 200 degrees C. 'Butter' a 2- to 2 1/2- quart ceramic baking dish,set aside.
2. Stir together milk and tomato mixture; place the bread in a shallow bowl and pour mixture over it. Set aside for the liquid to be fully absorbed.
3.Melt margarine over medium-low heat. Saute the onion till tender, about 15 minutes.
4. Mash in the bread with your hands/spoon and stir in onions.
4. In a medium bowl, whisk together the egg yolks, cheese, salt, pepper and nutmeg. Pour into the bread mixture, stirring well till combined.
5. In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites till stiff peaks form. Gently fold into bread mixture in 3 additions. 
6. Pour into dish and bake for 50 minutes until golden and firm. Serve warm. 

Friday, May 1, 2015

what gives me the feels

I don’t believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charity is so vertical. It goes from the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the other person and learns from the other. I have a lot to learn from other people.

Eduardo Galeano

When life gives you bread, make bread pudding.

(Afterthought: Or rather, when God gives you bread, ask Him what to do with it. And my family was blessed through this-- parents went to Botanic Gardens to feed the koi fish with the leftover bread crusts & we had a lot of fun making stuffs from the bread.)

Sunday: Copied this quote into my journal-
A.W. Tozer says that people who are crucified with Christ have three distinct marks:

1. they are facing only one direction,
2. they can never turn back, and
3. they no longer have plans of their own.

They longer any plans of their own.

Monday: Already felt like I got backstabbed by God yet the bread distribution was far from smooth (chaos?). Felt more upset as I thought about what was happening afterward: 1. My revision plan is screwed (don't know if I can finish revising now) 2. This is really a bad time to be doing this to me God.

That day's message and challenge was clear: Do you entrust everything to me? Truly?

Let me no longer have any plans of my own.

(my recent FB post)

Which brings me to my family. We don't really talk over food, and I've gradually learnt that time spent together= love. A trip down for simple hawker fare at Granny's place and sharing 2 bowls of desserts afterward, looking at the hamsters in the pet shop, walking around the newly opened shopping centre.

And friends. It's quite amazing how I learn so much it gives me the tingles when we get together.

Spending time with myself also, to walk, look at life around me. Seeing ordinary people going about their ordinary life gives me the feels. A mother bringing her child home, the hawker cooking my la mian, that old lady lurching along with her trolley-full of groceries.


So so many things I have seen this season, things I would never have imagined. God, YOU give me the feels.

"However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him'-- but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God."

1 Corinthians 2:9-10, NIV

Monday, April 20, 2015

the silence cannot hold

In our end is our beginning// In our time infinity

耶稣说【手扶着犁向后看的,不配进神的国。】 路加福音9:62

Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

In our death a resurrection// At the last a victory

你心若向饥饿的人发怜悯,是困苦的人得满足,你的光就必在黑暗中发现;你的幽暗必变如 正午 。以赛亚书58:10

"and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10

Unrevealed until its season// Something God alone can see


"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Truth be told, I would love to die now. I am content as it is in the silence between one thought and the next. Yet the silence cannot hold. It cannot hold and I will not die but wait patiently for the Lord.