Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sunday soul food

It went from- okay I will sit through this one hour- to this stirring of affections as I am called back to live by the Spirit, reminded that my groaning is a witness of my salvation. It ends off with the awesome promise to us as children of God- being heirs to all creation, the redeemed creation.

Claiming God's promises is a struggle because I often doubt the very existence of God. 'How can you be sure, really sure, that you are not deluding yourself?' As Paul states: "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." (1 Corinthians 15:19, NIV)

I cannot see, yet I hope. Perhaps the being sure of this hope is a lifelong process. #soulfood

Monday, August 11, 2014

A psalm

My whole being cries out: Pain, Lord!
Pain, stop!
And  I weep afresh,
uncontrollably, engulfed by a larger pain.
I feel the pain in my brother's rage
I am the persecuted in Iraq
A mother who has lost her child

And so I sob
Welcoming the tears of release
Yet feeling utterly desolate:
There is no one to hear
But God.
And He is not enough right now.
And what of those that know Him not?
I cry again at this thought.
O God, O Lord!

Still, hope flickers.
His voice whispers:
One lone sheep to save
The endless joyous story


Blue. And existentially unimportant

But I know I (am supposed to) have the joy and that I can shoot down the second point with a dozen declarations from God in the Bible. 

Still... there always comes this time, when I start to doubt. Like now.

Long-held fears and anxieties. 

I'm boring, uncool, too serious to have fun with... No friends to really be with which makes me feel empty-sad.

And always this sense of futility- what am I doing with my life? 

To make things worse, my friends do not seem similarly afflicted. Okay, the chances are that people do feel the same way but we aren't connected so I still feel alone.

How I have prayed for a confidant to know me, apart from God Himself! Yet perhaps for this very reason the answer is no/wait.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Guarding my heart

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23, NLT

God tells us that how we allow people to move our hearts will influence our entire life. Discern well for it is no small matter, He says.

Found my heart stirred towards a really sweet-looking guy in camp. I don't know much about him but hearts don't really care about these things as we all know. 

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm." Song of Songs 8:6, NLT

A relationship grounded in biblical principles speaks of permanence. Do I seek this permanence or is it a self-aggrandizing desire? 

"His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:34, NLT

The simple fact that is a constant struggle for me is that God should be the first priority, as our Greatest Treasure. It goes against the grain in this world, for the world does not know nor seek God. 

What exactly do I want? That is, the I rooted in Christ. A dear colleague and brother who is happily married shared that his wife had a prayer list of items she wanted in her future husband. If it is to my Father's pleasure, may He give me:

1. A man after His own heart, like king David,
2. Someone passionate about making a difference; and
3. Cares about animals the way I do, or even more so.
4. Someone able to connect with me at a deep level; to understand the nuances of my speech and action,
5. Who is willing to commit time into resolving conflicts,
6. Who is able to lead me in the relationship while being open to direction.
7. To see my brokenness clearly but love me as Christ commanded,
8. Having a gentle and kind spirit.
9. Taller than me?  Has a nice smile and likes to show it;
10. Someone pleasant to look at and be with.

Ending off, I am reminded again that this time is the furthest I've went for someone I'm attracted to. Does it mean anything? Till I find out if he meets the requisite item 1~ Already crossed out the height criteria because of him :)

Sunday, June 29, 2014


Adapted from the diary entry I made just now:

Only this week did I truly (or perhaps not really) see how attractive I am. When I wore contacts, everyone was commenting how pretty I looked it made me feel kinda uncomfortable. I don't really like it when guys look at girls differently because they have a pretty face. Well I admit I'm guilty of that too. 

God gave me those pretty eyes and that winning look for a reason. So I think it's also sin to hate what He has sovereignly blessed me with.Well she does make people (especially guys) open up to me faster in social work. But I'm still scared by how she can cause me or others to fall into sin. Guys taking too long a look, me looking too long at pictures of this earthly self, or feeling proud.

Always before I pray earnestly (as earnest as my heart distracted by evil desires can) that I will glorify God and not sin against Him. Or cause others to sin against Him. It's a struggle to set my mind on things above and not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2) when the youths take to me and I am kinda in their world.

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

I have received  many blessings. Help me to be humble, to seek Your Person and not the things that You give so graciously O Lord. I just received news that I got into the Dean's List. It feels like a dream I never bothered thinking about because I thought it was beyond me. And I have such awesome work which I am good at, awesome colleagues who think well of me. Baking vegan cupcakes for my 20th birthday fundraiser which is going well. I get praise from people because of this. I have quite a few stuff going on which I find meaning in that makes makes my resume look good. 

Well, on the other side of the coin, I have some griefs too. Whether I let myself retreat into the ivory tower called Convenient Amnesia Amidst Daily Life is another question. Perhaps that is why, by God's good sovereignty, I have periodic lows of doubting and sadness. And friends who are so against Christ. Family who have yet to come other Christ's grace, a brother whom I scarcely have a normal conversation with anymore. Or sometimes I feel so lonely and unliked, unattractive both on the inside and outside.

Indeed God's sovereignty encompasses our weaknesses, such that we can be Christ-like even with them. By His great grace can we even want to continue to partake of the 'free gift of the water of life' (Rev 22:17). It is hence fitting that the last verse in the Bible is
 "The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen." (Rev 22:21)

Sunday, June 22, 2014

10 000 reasons

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides thee, who works for those who wait for him." Isaiah 64:4, RSV

MAD at 20: Vegan cupcakes for Africare

Guidance Programme

Satisfying internship at Lakeside Family Services 

Resident cat
Dessert and dialogue with dear colleagues

 Living out my childhood social enterprise dream in ways more awesome than I imagined

"Bless the Lord O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name!" Psalm 103:1, RSV

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Why I don't watch Korean dramas

I'm writing this more for myself (since I realised I periodically re-read my posts and am encouraged by some of them, especially this one.).
I remember I made this promise to God not to watch Korean dramas again after I threw a hissy temper when my parents refused to let me watch the last episode in the midst of my exams. That was when it hit me that I was so deeply engrossed.

I might be more socially conscious than others. But perhaps this has also caused me to lapse easily into a world where I can mindlessly lap up the pretty faces, the predictable plot and of course, more often than not, a good ending at the 16th episode.

I am writing this because I have been breaking this promise. Until 1030, I tell God. Then it was, just this one episode to spend time with my parents. Yesterday too, though I knew I would have trouble focusing on God's message in church today if I didn't sleep earlier. Lack of sleep isn't all though.

One big reason I decided by God's grace to flee from Korean dramas is due to how the scenes continue to play vividly in my mind, often blunting my discernment. For someone who has not been given her other half (yet?), the romantic plots entangle me in sin.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27 (NIV, emphasis added)

Yes, so with this post I recommit myself to this promise so that I may be free.