Can you feel it?

Change is as subtle as the clouds changing shape.

Can you feel it?







As permeating as light in our lives, but as undefinable  too.








Even as I feel something inside me has changed, I look outside at the sun shining so brilliantly, and the life that goes on. What is different? I lose hold of the change as it slips away in the fog of my tiredness, in the distracting worldly issues.

O can you feel it?

?

I think I have anger/frustration/irritation issues.


Today I was going home and there was this guy that sang out loud and his voice was actually not bad but I was just so darn irritated I felt like clawing at him.


I always feel like my heart is being twisted when I feel this way.


I feel so angry/frustrated when I know that my friends are living lives of a diminished quality and this seems to show that I am controlling and demanding.


Oh to be able to have that love and restraint that springs from it Jesus has, who being in the nature God with all power, held back again and again so that we can have the abundant life we were made for.


For " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (NIV 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)


I felt a sense of frustration reading Today newspaper just now. It was reports on Section 377a, how some churches in Singapore spoke out against it. I just read Yancey's The Jesus I Never Knew on Sunday and in the concluding chapter he talked about how the church as a whole has failed to love.


" I view with amazement Jesus' uncompromising blend of graciousness toward sinners and hostility toward sin, because in much of church history I see virtually the opposite. We give lip service to "hate the sin while loving the sinner," but how well do we practice this principle?"


" Nowadays many of the same Christians who hotly condemn homosexuality, which Jesus did not mention, disregard his straightforward commands against divorce." (It is mentioned elsewhere in the Bible though)


Just now I did not hear my dad say 'Sorry' to mum for the harsh words said and I was unforgiving and frustrated, because I know I don't say it easily too and that is all the more reason to be understanding instead of just feeling angry and not doing anything about it.

The Book

Have you ever gotten scolded for reading? I have and it wasn't even illicit stuff. Sounds like a no-lifer, but I love to read; on a reading binge now. Just finished Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchet. It was a darn funny, witty book.

A close friend said that everyone should write at least one book in their life. I think I wanna write something like that. Creating an entire new world, creating new metaphors (love the one about the crab bucket; had me flipping back a few pages to where I puzzled over the term), pointing back to the real world.

I know that even if I tried, I can't write like the Japanese authors. Their books are.. weird. I come away not understanding what the author wants to say. Currently reading Sayonara, Gangsters by Genichiro Takahashi. I have currently reached the conclusion that only Literature students are up to the task of analysing it.

I got real excited thinking about writing The Book yesterday. I want a character to show Kang Li; especially all the things going through her mind that will make people rethink their impression of her I guess. And then I also want it to sorta be a commentary on reality as I see it, but I will create another world.

I think

18 is both a very young and very old age to be in.

I have probably just lived out one-fifth of my life, I'm dependent on my parents, I'm prone to melancholy and self-centeredness (taken to a whole new level with FB). In a bid to move away from self-centeredness I feel almost adverse to putting the word 'I' in a sentence and yet in this blog I cannot avoid doing so.

Kang Li feels like she knows alot because she thinks alot (that is also an unsupported perspective), when in fact the knowledge is a drop in the ocean of wisdom. At least let us know and appreciate this ocean.

She feels old in the sense that she is actively participating in some of the stuff she disdained in her childishness not so long ago. Feels hypocritical. And having a sense of.. disbelief. She is going for an internship and applying to possibly the hardest scholarship to get in the country! (Sounds ascetic/anti-establishment)

I think it boils down to motives. The pyschometric test results said that I look at things as black and white. Perhaps motives are the determining factor whether the same thing is black or white. We say its grey because we have no way of knowing the motives behind it.
Even the person himself can't be sure I guess. He might want to believe that his motives are noble, but I don't really know the motive for my application for the scholarship. Is it truly to lighten the financial burden and to have that job opportunity? Or prestige?

Hope I will answer everything truthfully.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas

This is possibly the first book that really made me go 'wow'. Like there is just that silence after I read the last word of this simply worded 'fable', according to the author.

I stumbled upon this book at one of the second hand bookshops in Bras Basah Complex, which explains the cheap price tag.

It speaks of children that possess that childlike innocence and goodness, at the same time as it speaks of the quiet confused sadness of a child. So many times I've wished I were more childlike, in faith, in thoughts and in actions. (Note how it distinguishes from being childish, which I hate to be)

And I've never read a blurb like that one behind this book. If I haven't had some idea of what this story is from what I read about the movie based on the book, I guess I would still be drawn by it.

I would never have guessed the ending too.

Devoured it in one go; this book really punches above its weight. (Gah I make a bad book reviewer)

a very long post

I'm technically graduating on October 12 I think, but I wanna write something about school now when I feel like I can write something (of at least some worth that is).

In many ways I guess the school still feels a bit new to me; sometimes I stop in my tracks just to figure out how to get somewhere. But that's not the point here. I just wanna write down all the events/conversations with people that I remember while I still can.

I went through a period recently where I was seized by an irrational debilitating stress. I say it was irrational cos I knew I had no basis for it. Anyway during this period I was feeling quite hopeless, and I forgot why but F talked about where she wanted to go. Either Japan or Shanghai, she said, and when I asked for what, she replied somewhat abashedly 'To enjoy life..' That was when I let out a mock cry. It made M laugh but from the bottom of my heart at that moment I really felt like crying. Cos at that moment it really felt like I wasn't meant to enjoy life. I wanted to go into Social Work (still do), and that guaranteed hardship. I wasn't rich enough to go overseas if I wanted/did badly for As.

I smile a bit at myself, thinking back now. When I entered school my parents were a bit... ashamed? I don't know the right word for it, but I guess they were conscious that they did not have that earning power that so many of my friends' parents have. Although I can't deny that I have envied them, no, I don't want to be in a well-to-do family. By God's grace I was called where I am, and through my daily life I have experienced His grace and kindness, by which He moves people to repentance.

***

Another moment I cherish was the Bible study/discussions about God sessions I had with J and X after school. These sessions were one of the moments where I felt that God was so so real, even though we were throwing many doubts that we had no answers to. This is the characteristic of the fellowship God has called us to commit to regularly I guess, to be greatly encouraged by one another.

This brings to mind another thing: When I brought The Reason for God by Timothy Keller to school, quite a few were interested to find out what the reasons are. Well, I don't know if they were convinced after reading a few pages of the book, but for some reason I'm quite glad they were interested. I think I overheard Z saying that it was because of human need for a divine God. Well I agree we all need God, but God is not something we invented as a basis for morality or to ease/explain our pain.
I understand why it might seem so though. That is why we are called to have faith, trusting in what we cannot see and feel but is real nonetheless. We shouldn't be expecting empirical evidence in the material world when God is not material.
 I don't think I can do a post on it just yet, but please do read the introduction (free for all) of the book for a start. I haven't read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis in its entirety yet, but do go to the link; there's a downloadable pdf there.

***

J said that one of her best moments in school was talking to the teachers. Last year I was carrying an obnoxious attitude during most of the class sessions on scholarships/goal-setting/you-get-what-I-mean. I think it stemmed from feeling thrown into a totally foreign culture and I felt starkly different. And I wanted to be, in that obnoxious way. But I agree with her now; I can't vouch for all the teachers but our class has been blessed with teachers that are concerned about us as individuals. Words of affirmation and concern goes a long way.

***

And then there is the warm feeling of friendship with people whom I wrote in my diary that I felt different from. Okay I'm not trying to romanticise it all and say I have built strong friendships and blah, but this is a class which I want to have class gatherings with like once every 5 years? I have learnt quite some from some of them too, like L, XH, J, C. 

 

I thought I would cry when I graduated from primary school and secondary school but didn't. Perhaps this time I will, cos that is a place I have quite reluctantly come to like.



time

It is an important concept for me. I read somewhere that time does not change us, it merely unfolds us.

While there is some truth in this, I think we are also very much in charge of what to do with our very limited time on earth.

I think part of why I'm perceived to be self-disciplined in my life is because I simply do not want to waste my time on earth.

Which is why I kinda gravitate towards talking about deeper stuff I guess.

Anyway I'm turning 18 come this Friday (reason for that pretty cheesecake you see), and I wanna talk about my flaws.

I think one of my greatest flaws is my self-consciousness. I really hate it when I let how (I perceive) people look at me overwrite how God looks at me. On the surface it doesn't seem like a big deal right. But for me it profoundly influences every thought I think, every word out of my mouth, every action I make. (What an irony right, me writing on a blog which is open to everyone.)

Actually I think this is the root to all my other flaws. The other one that I hate would be how I would think of myself as more righteous or superior and start judging people around me. I think that might partly be to stop people from noticing my self-consciousness. 

Well, there is no conclusion to this. I mean, I will always be flawed, and I sincerely hope that I can remember that everyday with humility, even when a friend said that she found no flaws in me and that I was very kind, even when I am a good daughter (most of the time), even so.

I end this with: "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." (Psalm 118:1, NIV)

He is the reason and source of all the good and love and hope in my life.